成長的經驗

Laurel Shern 講於2010年10月8日星期五晚 萬佛城大殿  A talk given by Laurel Shern on October 8, 2010


諸佛菩薩、宣公上人、各位法師、各位善知識、老師、同學,阿彌陀佛,我是培德女中11年級的Laurel Shern,我今天要分享我的故事。

Buddha Bodhisatva, Venerable Master, Dharma Masters, all good knowing advisors, teachers, and students. Amitaba/Amitopho. My name is Laurel Shern. I am in 11th grade in Developing Virtues Girl School.

首先,我想先說,我並不是很了解癌症,那大概是因為我並不想知道關於癌症的細節,我並不清楚有關醫院對此癌症的治療和抗癌過程的艱辛,在這整件事中,我知道的不超過百分之五。但是,我清楚的了解當你的身邊的人得到癌症卻不知道下一秒他是否就會天人永隔的感覺。這是我在我的姊姊得到癌症時所經歷的,也因為如此,他轉變了我的人生。

Before I start, I have to admit, I don’t know much about cancer. I think it’s because I don’t want to know the details of what could happen. I don’t know what goes on at the hospital or the hardship of going through cancer. I think I know less than 5 percent of the things that went on. However, what I do know is the feeling of having someone close to you getting diagnosed with cancer, and not knowing about what could happen at any moment. This is my experience with dealing with cancer and how it changed my outlook on life.

去年九月,我的姊姊,Laurice,被診斷出得了骨癌。原來那一年的夏天,我跟姊姊一起去照胸腔的x光片,當時,醫護人員就發現姊姊得片子異常,在醫生更深入的研判後,醫生宣判了姊姊的病情,那時,我跟我的家人才知道事情的嚴重性,即使姊姊得到癌症是一個令人不敢相信的事,但是,我們仍希望這個不是一個攸關生死的病症。

My sister, Laurice, was diagnosed with Ewing Sarcoma last September. Last summer, my sister and I went to take a chest x-ray and they found something unusual in my sister’s scan. After further investigation, and about a month of not knowing what was in her, they found out what the problem was.  That was when my family and I realized, the thing that they had found, was serious. Before, we were anxious because we didn’t know what it was. However, we hoped that it would just be a slight problem that wasn’t a life or death matter. The fact that my sister was diagnosed with cancer was shocking.

當我知道姊姊的病情時,我驚訝到說不出話來,我想我的家人應該都是如此吧!一個十八歲,看似健康的女孩,居然生病了 ,我們都不知道要如何接受這個事實,我仍然記得,那時,我一直哭,就連上課時間也是如此,就算沒有眼淚,也忍不住地悲從衷來。

When I first received the news that my sister was diagnosed, I was numb. I guess all of my family was just shocked. Here, my sister, a healthy eighteen year old girl, was “sick”. We didn’t know what to do or how to deal with the fact. I remember crying throughout the whole school day, and still crying when my tears had dried up.

當時,父母決定姊姊要在史丹佛醫院接受治療,我的姊姊跟我的媽媽搬到阿姨家住。剛好在那時候,我的姊姊才正要上他的夢想學校,Williams,讀書。Laurice 原本並不想去醫院,但還是半推半就的去了,醫生說姊姊要接受九個月的治療,包括化療,放射線治療,和手術。

It was decided that my sister would have treatment at the Stanford hospital. My sister and my mom would live at my aunt’s house. At that time, my sister had just started attending her dream college, Williams. Laurice didn’t want to be moved, but reluctantly went. It was decided that my sister would have nine month of treatment, including chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery.

癌症治療實在很痛苦,縱然我只看到一小部份,但我清楚地到我的姊姊在跟死神拔河,他要不是會昏倒,不然就是血壓太低,他也常常發燒,如果身上有一丁點的創傷,那有可能會是帶走他生命的致命傷,接受治療的時間,他的頭髮全掉光了,也沒有一點胃口吃東西,一直吐,他的指甲全變成黑色的,臉上也只剩下蒼白的肌膚。

Treatment was harsh. I only saw a little bit of what went on, but even from what I saw, I knew. My sister was constantly in danger. She could pass out at any moment or her blood count could be too low. She could catch a fever and with the smallest cut could endanger her whole life. During treatment, her hair fell out, she lost her appetite, her nails turned black, she turned pale, and she kept throwing up.

在這段時間,我想我應該也適應了新的生活和接受事實,但有些時候,想到姊姊的病情,我的眼淚還是忍不住掉了下來,對我來說,遠離媽媽和姊姊是一件很困難的事,我一直很想知道發生什麼事,但得到的卻總是模糊的答案,我不想要一無所知,但我想我的媽媽是為了保護我,才讓我不要知道接受化療的痛苦。有很多時候,我一直問為什麼,為什麼我姊姊得到了癌症,這是不公平的,這對Laurice和我的家人都不公平,每一件事都不公平。即使我知道這不會改善家庭的情況,但我時常情緒低落,現在來看,我沒辦法說明那時的感覺和心酸,但當我想要喚起一些情緒時,我的腦袋卻不聽使喚,自動地封鎖記憶。

I guess, throughout the whole nine month, I got use to the new lifestyle and the fact. However, there would be one or two times where I would actually realize that my sister had cancer and start crying. It was tough for me because I was away from my sister and mom. I wanted to know what was going on, but I never really did get an accurate description. I didn’t like being left in the dark. However, there’s not much to say about how horrible the treatment was, and I guess, my mom wanted to protect me from the truth. Many times, I would wonder, why. Why did it happen to my sister? Why? Why? Why? I resented the fact that my sister had cancer. Many times, I thought it was unfair. Unfair how it was Laurice that got it, unfair that my family was just apart the whole entire time, unfair at how the treatment was going. Everything was unfair. I was depressed many times, even though I knew I couldn’t really do anything about it. Even now, I can’t really describe how it felt and what I was going through. As of now, it seems as though it was ages ago, and when I try to recall some emotion, I find that my mind blocks them out.

看到化療的過程並沒有對我影響很大,因為我並沒有看到姊姊最糟糕的樣子。那時,我待在家中,用功讀書,想要拿到好成績,好讓我的父母只要擔憂我的姊姊就夠了,我不想要在`這個節骨眼上增加他們的負擔,在姊姊結束治療前,我有兩次見到他的機會,我真得很雀躍,因為以前我不把家人間的相處當成一回事,但我終於知道家人的團圓有多麼溫馨。在家時,我常常跟媽媽頂嘴,但因為這一件事,我了解道媽媽是想要讓我成長,看到他對姊姊無微不至的照顧,我了解道媽媽是有多麼愛我們姊妹,多麼盡力的幫助我們。

My experience throughout the whole treatment was all right. I wasn’t there to see my sister at her worst, so I was somewhat shielded. I just stayed at home and tried to get good grades to ease my family’s worries. They had enough to worry about without having me add to their pile. However, the two times I was able to see my sister and mom before the whole was process finished, I was delighted. I realized how important it was to actually be together as a family because before, I would just take the family bond for granted. At home, I use to argue with my mother a lot. However, after this experience, I realized that my mom was just trying to help me grow up. To see her tend to my sister for the whole time made me realize how much she loved my sister and me, and would dedicate herself into helping us.

在這段時間,或許我看起來很孤獨,因為媽媽沒在我的身旁,但也因為如此,我知道友情和獨立的重要性。一開始,我覺得朋友只是朋友,我從不了解我有多依賴他們。在姊姊接受治療時,我的朋友一直鼓舞我,讓我的想法更正面,當我需要肩膀來依靠時,他們總是在那裏陪我。還有,我也學習獨立自主,在媽媽不在時,我需要照顧好自己,把功課做好,因為並沒有人會在旁邊時時刻刻盯著我。

Many times throughout the treatment, it seemed as though I was ‘alone’ because my mom wasn’t there to help me. However, from this, I discovered the value of friendship and learned how to be independent. At first, my friends were just my friends. I never realized how much I depended on friendship before. During the treatment, my friends would always encourage me and tell me to be more optimistic. They were there when I needed a shoulder to cry on or when I just needed to talk. Also, I learned how to be independent. I needed to take care of myself and get all my schoolwork done on time. There was no one else to nag me and tell me I had to do this and that.

九個月之後,Laurice,結束他的治療了,他的頭髮又開始長回來了,健康也慢慢有起色了,在九月時,我姊姊也返校讀書,現在,他還是很難相信他進了他的夢想學校,現在的他,非常有活力,只要他有能力,他也盡量幫忙,在治療中,姊姊發現道人生是如此的短暫,所以她要享受人生,現在,她參加學校的報社和食物委員會,他也繼續學中提琴,最近,她還寫信給我,說她真的很高興能回到學校,只要在他體力允許的範圍之內,他一定會盡力的參與每一件事。我真的為我的姊姊感到非常的驕傲,經歷過抗癌的艱辛之後,他仍是這麼地樂觀,追求美好地人生。

After nine long months, Laurice finished her treatment last June. Her hair has started to grow back again and her health is better. My sister just returned back to school this September, and she still thinks that going to college is a too good to be true. As of now, my sister still remains enthusiastic and helps out whenever she cans. Laurice realizes how short life can be, and is doing everything she enjoys, while taking rests in between. [She is in the school newspaper, as well as one of the food commitees at Williams. She continues to learn and play the viola. Lately, she has wrote to me and told me how happy she is to be back at school. She wants to do as many things as she can.] As of now, I’m really proud of my sister, of how much she’s been through and how she is still optimistic and always hoping for a good future.

這九個月也改變了我的原本的人生,這一段時間,我學到生命的價值,之前,我覺得人生就只是平淡,沒有什麼意義,當一位學生,只要寫功課和考試就是我的職責,但發現到,死神可能就在不遠處時,我知道了我要感謝我每一天,此刻,我想要有一個有意義的人生,我要當一個有意義的人,我不要再在意我的外表和名氣,我知道,當我死的時候,當我回想得時候,我可以為我的人生感到驕傲,因為,人生真的很短暫。

The nine months changed my life entirely. The most important lesson I got out of the whole time, was the value of life. Before, I had thought that life was ok, but there was nothing to it. As a student, I just thought that life was just filled with homework, quizzes and tests. However, after realizing that death could be around the corner, I have appreciated the fact that I am alive today. Right now, I want to have a ‘life’. I want to be someone. I’ve stopped caring about all the little things in life, such as status or my daily looks. I realized that when I die, I want to be able to look back at my life and be proud of it. Life really, is too short. Thank you.