拜與懺微妙之聯繫 The Subtle Relationship between Bowing and Repentance

沙彌尼近廉 講於2011年6月17日星期五晚 萬佛城大殿  A talk given by Shramanerika     Jin Lian on June 17 (Friday), 2011 at Buddha Hall of CTTB

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諸佛菩薩、宣公上人、諸位法師、諸位善知識:阿彌陀佛。今晚輪到沙彌尼親節近廉和大衆結法緣。如果在我的報告中有任何不副合佛法的地方,請大家慈悲指正。

Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, the VM, DMs and all good knowing advisors: Amitabha.  Tonight is shramenerika QinJie Jinlian’s turn to tie dharma affinities with the assembly. During my talk, if there is anything that does not accord with the Dharma, please compassionately correct me.

一眨眼的功夫,時間就飛逝了。萬佛寳懺已經過去差不多三個星期了。還在讀小學的時候,我都喜歡用「一眨眼的功夫,時間就飛逝了」作爲文章的開始。真是很可笑,在接受了那麽多年的教育之後,「一眨眼的功夫,時間就飛逝了」依然是我寫文章時最先想起的句子。個人的習氣有多重,從此就可見一斑了。很多的時候,在毫不知覺的情況下,我都被自己的習氣左右着。不過,我還是要承認:時間真的在飛逝。

Just in the blink of an eye, time flies. It has almost been 3 weeks after the ten thousand Buddhas repentance. When I was in elementary school, many of my writing assignments started with the same sentence “Just in the blink of an eye, time flies”, it is kind of funny that after getting so many years of education, when I want to write something’ Just in the blink of an eye, time flies’ is still my favorite sentence to begin with.  Habitual behavior is so strong that most of the time I am just following them without any kind of awareness.  But i have to admit that time really files.

依然能清晰地記得四年前參加的第一個萬佛懺。在聖城住了大半年,生活非常地平靜祥和。突然有一天傍晚,當我踏入大殿的時候,發現裏面早已擠滿了人。好不容易擠入人群做完了晚課。第二天,我問一位朋友這到底是怎麽一囘事。她告訴我那些人都是來參加萬佛寳懺的。萬佛懺可以說是一年中最大的法會很多人會來參加。從很遠的地方甚至是從國外來到這裡,受了那麽多的辛苦和不適,只是來這裡拜一萬尊佛, 這對我而言真是很難理解。

I still vividly remember about 4 years ago my first Ten Thousand Repentance. Having lived in the CTTB for more than half a year, life was very peaceful and quiet. Suddenly one night when I stepped into the BH, I found the hall was already crammed with so many people that I could barely squeeze into it to do the evening recitation. The next day I asked one of my new friends about that. She told me that those people had come to participate in the TTR and this ceremony was always the biggest one during the whole year. People from different courtiers travel long distance, endure so much suffering and discomfort just to come here to bow ten thousand bows? That was really ridiculous to me.

我告訴了她我的想法。她大笑地對我說:「妳是不是在害怕三個星期裏要拜一萬尊佛啊?!對於很多人而言,那真是一件很難做到的事情。如果是這樣的話,我可以原諒妳說的話。」「沒有,我不怕拜萬佛。其實,在我受三 皈五戒之前,我就已經在兩個星期之内拜了一萬拜了。所以,三個星期,一萬拜,對我而言不算什麽。我的疑惑是:我不能理解,為什麽人們會把拜和懺這兩個字聯繫在一起。拜,是最簡單不過,最枯燥不過的機械運動。而懺,是最奧妙,最微細的心理活動;為什麽這兩者會被相提並論?拜是一囘事,懺又是另一囘事。 它們又是怎麽會聯繫在一起的呢?」

I told her my thought. She laughed at me, saying:” are you afraid to bow the ten thousand bows in three weeks? That is really a tough task to many people. I could forgive you about that” “No, I am not afraid of bowing ten thousand times. Actually, before I took the 3 refuge and the five precepts, I had already bowed ten thousand times just in 2 weeks. So 3 weeks, ten thousand bows is really not a big deal to me. So, to me, the problem is I really could not understand why people would like to combine these two words: bowing and repentance together. Bowing is the simplest and most boring mechanical movement. On the other hand, repentance is the most profound and subtle mental movement.  How could these two be put together? Bowing is one thing, repentance is the other. How could they be connected to each other?”

她的笑容漸漸消失了。她變得很安靜。過了一會兒,她慢慢地問了我一個問題:「妳有沒有真正地皈依過什麽人或是哪位佛菩薩?妳有沒有真正從心底真誠地歸命過哪個人或者是哪位佛菩薩嗎?」那真是一個讓我汗毛倒竪的問題,像是我最大的秘密被揭穿了一樣讓我不安。等了很久,我才不情願地回答她:「沒有,從來沒有。在我心底裏,從來沒有想要真正依賴過誰。從小我就被教育長大要成爲一個獨立的人,而我也的確很獨立。頭可斷,血可流,要我投降,永不。」她笑着對我說:「妳現在是佛弟子了,妳皈依了佛,為什麽不利用這個萬 佛懺的機會來找一位妳能真正歸命的佛呢?」那真是一個好主意,我很高興地接受了。

Her smile slowly disappeared. She became very quiet. After a while, she slowly asked me a question: have you ever truly taken refuge under someone or some Buddha or Bodhisattva? Have you ever very sincerely, from your deep heart offer up your life to someone or some Buddha or Bodhisattva? This question made my hairs stand up like my biggest secret was widely opened. After a long time, I reluctantly told her:” no, never ever. From my deep mind, I never truly want to rely on someone. I was taught to be independent, I am independent. My head could be chopped off, my blood could be bleeding out, but I never surrender.” She smiled again and told me:” now you are a disciple of the Buddha, you took the refuge, and then why not take the opportunity during the TTR to find a Buddha whom you could truly offer your life to?” That is a good idea; I was very happy to accept her advice.

那個萬佛懺,我真是很誠心地在拜每一尊佛,就想要找到那真正歸命的感覺。我最喜歡的唱誦的調子就是「至心歸命頂禮南無……」,時間就那樣一天天,一星期一星期地過去了。一天,當我從拜墊上站起來的時候,聽到維諾師念到,「善男子善女人若不信此佛,此善男子善女人必定墮地獄。」就像是一石激起千層浪,突然閒,我的腦子裏出現了很多的聲音。「這位佛是不是在開玩笑啊?!如果不相信他就要墮地獄的話,那我就是不信他了,我倒要看看我墮不墮地獄了。」另外一個聲音就哭了:「不要,不要,我不要墮地獄,不要。」第三個聲音趕快安慰道:「不怕,快念下一尊的佛號。他說只要念他的名字,究竟得成阿耨多羅三藐三菩提。快念,這樣正負抵消,應該沒有事的。」太多的聲音在腦海裏響起,而我就站在那裏看着,聼着。突然閒,我看到了很多張自己的臉。在拜了那麽多尊佛之後,我知道,我沒有找到任何一位能讓我至心歸命的佛,但是有一件事我很確定,那就是:我是一個真正的闡提。

During that TTR, I very sincerely bowed to every Buddha, wanting to capture the true feeling of offering up my life. My favorite tune, literally translated from Chinese, was that from the deep bottom of my heart I am offering my life to bow to such and such a Buddha. Day after day, week after week passed, I was seeking. Then one day when I rose up from the cushion, the proctor recited the sutra saying if a good man or a good woman does not believe in this Buddha, this good man or good woman would definitely fall into the hells. Like throwing a stone into a pool, making thousands of waves; suddenly lots of voices appeared in my mind. One said:” Is that Buddha joking?  If not believing in him would make me fell into hells, then I won’t believe in him, I will go and see whether I would fall or not.” Then another cried, saying:” No, No, I don’t want to fall into the hells, no, no.”  The third voice said:” Don’t worry, quickly recite the next Buddha’s name, he says that whoever recites his name he could guarantee that that person will definitely attain Annutara-SAMYAK-Sambodhi. Hurry up, recite it, then we could counteract that previous one. Lots of other voices also were speaking. I was just standing there looking and listening to them. All at once, I saw many faces of myself. After so many bows, I know I did not find any Buddha to whom I could truly offer my life, but I know one thing for sure I am a true Chandala.

想要逃,逃離佛殿,有一個聲音在心中盤旋:妳說你信佛,妳說妳要依教奉行;那為什麽妳都不信佛說的話呢?那為什麽妳還想和佛辯論呢?那妳為什麽還要指責佛說的話呢?是啊,妳是在拜佛,但那只是你的身體在拜。妳心裏卻在算計着每一拜能從佛那裏拿到多少的功德,妳從來就沒有歸命過佛,妳只是在利用佛,妳是一個真正的賊。

I wanted to run, to run away from the BH. I heard a sound hovering over my heart saying: you say you believe in Buddhism; you say you want to cultivate according with the Buddha’s teachings; then how come you do not even believe the Buddha’s words?  How come you want to argue with the Buddhas, to criticize the Buddha’s words? Yes, you are bowing but just physically, in your deep mind you are just calculating how much merit and virtue you could get from the bow, you never truly offer you life to Buddhas, and you just want to take advantage of them. You are a true thief.

從那天開始,我無法再走進佛殿。縂有 一個聲音在指責我,在嘲笑我。那是業障,我知道。但是,我也無力去改變。奇怪的因緣讓我信佛,也許是福報用完了吧,也許是離開的時候。但是,心裡還有一些什麽不願離開,我也不知道那是什麽。 所以,每天就像是行屍走肉地活着。

From that day, I could not step into the BH anymore. There was always a sound criticizing me, laughing at me. I knew that was my karmic obstacle, but I could do nothing to change. Some strange condition made me believe Buddhism, probably, I thought I had used up my blessings; maybe it’s time for me to leave. However there was something in my heart that did not want to go, but I did not what that was. So every day I was just daydreaming, like a living corpse.

一天,午齋的時候,就象平時一樣,齋堂都會放上人的錄音。那天,上人用他溫柔的聲音在講十法界的道理。他說我們的心造就了一切。是我們的心讓我們下地獄;也是我們的心讓我們上天堂。同樣也是我們的心讓我們成佛。突然,上人用一個非常嚴厲的聲音問道:「那你想要成什麽, 你還在等什麽!」上人的獅子吼,就像是金剛寳杵一樣,一下子插入了我的心裏。胸口有點悶,有點脹痛,不過那還好,我依然能吃完我的午飯,我依然能繼續我的生活。

One day, at lunch time, like usual, in the dining hall we would play VM’s lecture. That day VM was using his soft voice talking about the ten Dharma Realms. He said our mind could make everything, it makes you go to the hells, and it also could make you go to heaven. And also it is our mind that could make you become a Buddha. All of a sudden, VM used a very sharp tone asked:” then what do you want to be? What are you waiting for?” That Lion Roar was like a Vajra Pestle directly stabbing into my heart. I felt tightness in my heart, a small bursting pain, but that was OK. I still could finish my lunch, still could continue my life.

但是,當完成了一天的工作,晚上坐在窗口的時候,上人的話依然還在耳邊:「那你想要成什麽, 你還在等什麽。」我想要成爲一個好人,我想要成佛,可以嗎?但是,我是一個闡提,我有深重的業障,像我這樣的人能成佛嗎?能不能給我第二次的機會?在月光下,我開始祈求上人,祈求十方佛的原諒,祈求他們能給我第二次的機會。心中的痛,開始變得無法忍受。靠着牆壁,我跪在了地上。也就當我的膝蓋碰倒地面的時候,我覺得有一個很重的東西從肩膀上解了下來。我開始拜佛,那讓我有一種解脫的感覺,同時也感到深深地懺愧。溫溫的液體從眼中流出,那把金剛寳杵漸漸融化在心中。那個晚上,我一直在祈求,一直在懺悔,一直在拜……

However, after I finished my whole day’s work, sitting in front of the window of my room at night, VM’s words were still in my mind:” what do you want to be? What are you waiting for?” I want to be a good person; I want to be a Buddha, could I? I replied to VM, but I am a chandala. I have tremendous bad karma, could a person like me become a Buddha? Could I have a second chance? In the moon light, I was praying to the VM and the Buddha of the ten directions to forgive me and give me a second chance. The pain in my heart became unbearable. Leaning against the wall, I knelt down on the ground, but just when i touched the ground, I felt some very heavy thing fell off my shoulder. I started bowing and it made me feel released and at the same time very shameful, some warm liquid shed from my eyes. That vajar pestle slowly melted away. That night, I was praying, repenting and bowing…

什麽是慈悲?那個晚上之後, 我好像懂了一點。那就是不管衆生是多麽地不堪,佛菩薩們都不會離開他們。佛菩薩始終都在我們的身邊,不離不棄,等着幫助我們。只要我們能放下我慢,放下自我,向佛菩薩們伸出雙手,他們一定會握住並給我們一個溫暖的擁抱。

What is compassion? After that night, I know a little bit of the meaning of compassion that is no matter how bad living beings are Buddhas and Bodhisattvas they would never ever leave them. They are always there waiting to help. If you could put down your arrogance, your ego, stretch out your hands to them, they would definitely hold them and give you a warm hug.

拜懺,也就只有用最簡單,最枯燥的機械運動,參能將我們像猿猴一樣的心安定下來,讓它開始專注。不管是三千次還是一萬次或者更多,拜,能創造出一個很好的氛圍讓我們開始專注自身,開始反觀自己。也只有當我們能學着反觀自己,才能真正地開始懺悔。可以說拜是一個量變的過程,而懺是一個質變的過程。一年又一年,參加了越來越多的拜懺法會 ,可以感覺到拜的力量正在身體裏慢慢地長大。

Bowing repentance only that simplest and most boring mechanical movement could calm down our monkey-mind, to make it focus. No matter whether it is three thousand times, ten thousand times or more, bowing makes a sound condition for us to be mindful of ourselves, to reflect upon ourselves. And only when we learn to reflect upon ourselves, can we slowly learn to repent. Bowing is some kind of quantitative change, while repentance is a qualitative change. Year after year, attending more and more repentance ceremonies, I could feel the power of bowing developing within me.

這是個人在拜萬佛寳懺中的一個經歷,希望能對大家的修行有所幫助。

This is my personal experience about the ten thousand buddhas repentance. Hope that it could be helpful to your cultivation.

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